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Q. Scam or what!! $5 million....hilarious?

put * where i removed names, addresses. notice it says upload into bank account, you cant tell anyone and a rudish e-mail that was attached at the bottom.... urgent response needed head of manchester corporate banking centre *gives address (england) dear, as a result of the recent sweepstakes promotional exercise prevailing in the world on the use of atm coporate visa card as one of the general acceptable ways of making international and local payment. the hsbc bank of london in collaboration with the world bank group wishes to issue out $5 million to 10 lucky winners. congratulation you have been offered an atm card which bears five hundred thousand united states dollars ($500,000.00) which you have to upload in your own bank. this is the first time of offering this promotional program and was sponsored by the stakeholders of both reputable banks. this is to encourage the use of atm card all over the world. for security purposes and clarity, you are advised to keep your atm card offer notification confidential until your atm card has been processed and delivered to you. this is part of our security protocol to avoid double claims and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. note: you are automatically disqualified if you are below 18 years of age and you have only 10 working days to claim your atm card offer and i am afriad that any delay may lead to authomatic cancellation of this offer to you, plaese take note. congratulation, yours sincerely, stephen k.green.(your online co-ordinator) you are advised to contact the atm card remittance department below by filling this application form: title............... name in full..............contact address....... sex.................... age........... nationality......... occupation.................... telephone................ fax(if any).................... email.................... date..................... atm remittance department officer hsbc london mr. stephen* telephone: * email contact: * director of operations' remark: dear winner, take note that any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to any impersonation of making wrong payment. equally, noteworthy is the regulation that people below eighteen years of age are ineligible to participate. mrs. agatha* director of operations -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hsbc bank *address email: * dear david*, i write to inform you that you sound very derogatory, doubtful and unserious. be informed that tones can change whilst making long distance calls and moreover i am not a born briton. note that a high calibre payment instrument like the atm card must be insured before delivery is made. this is in line with our banking ethics here and i would not negate and or flaw existing laws. if you decline on insuring your payment instrument and following up with the simple release conditionalty, i am sorry there is little that i can do to help you. i am only doing my job. mr. stephen*

"Ones that look like it is you bank requesting you to update your online..."

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Q. I guess we are all a little off in the head to give out such information to someone that is a recording?

dear bank manager i am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which i endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. by my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. i refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, i admit, has only been in place for eight years. you are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience i caused to your bank. my thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. you have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. no more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for i am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. i can think of no greater compliment, and i know you will be excited and proud to hear it. to this end, please be advised about the following changes: first, i have noticed that whereas i personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when i try to contact you i am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. from now on i, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. my mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. you will be aware that it is an offence under the postal act for any other person to open such an envelope. please find attached an application contact status which i require our chosen employee to complete. i am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that i know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a justice of the peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. in due course i will issue your employee with a pin number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. i regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, i have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. my authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom i will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. by pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. to make an appointment to see me 2. to query a missing repayment 3. to make a general complaint or inquiry 4. to transfer the call to my living room in case i am there; extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received. 5. to transfer the call to my bedroom in case i am still sleeping. extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received. 6. to transfer the call to my toilet in case i am attending to nature. extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. to transfer the call to my mobile phone in case i am not at home. 8. to leave a message on my computer. to leave a message a password to access my computer is required. password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. to return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. while this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. this month i've chosen a refrain from the best of woody guthrie: "oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the miners sweated for" after twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. on a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. as your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. first, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. this i will read for a fee of $20 per page. inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. my new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even woody guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. regrettably, but again following your example, i must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. may i wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, new year. your humble client written by a smart person.

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Q. Do you know who to call if your wallet is stolen?

read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. maybe we should all take some of his advice! a corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company. 1. do not sign the back of your credit cards. instead, put 'photo id required'. 2. when you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, do not put the complete account number on the 'for' line. instead, just put the last four numbers. the credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it. 3. put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. if you have a po box use that instead of your home address. if you do not have a po box, use your work address. never have your ss# printed on your checks. (duh!) you can add it if it is necessary. but if you have it printed, anyone can get it. 4. place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. keep the photocopy in a safe place. i also carry a photocopy of my passport when i travel either here or abroad. we've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, social security number, credit cards. unfortunately, i, an attorney, have first-hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a visa credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a gateway computer, received a pin number from dmv to change my driving record information online, and more. but here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know: 5. we have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. but the key is having the toll-free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. keep those where you can find them. 6. file a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one). but here's what is perhaps most important of all: (i never even thought to do this.) 7. call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the social security fraud line number. i had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the internet in my name. the alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. by the time i was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. there are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which i knew about before placing the alert. since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). it seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks. now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, if it has been stolen: 1.) equifax: 1-800-525-6285 2.) experian (formerly trw): 1-888-397-3742 3.) trans union: 1-800-680 7289 4.) social security administration (fraud line): 1- 800-269-0271